Every few years I either go on an accidental journey to inner-hell and back, or get dumped with an experience from the Universe that makes me grow stronger as a person. I am going through one such transitional phase right now (hmph- my whole life is a “transition phase”- I think I need to stop using this as an excuse for not always being on the ball and just deal with it).
The other week I nearly died. I ended up in hospital twice, and came face to face with my mortality on a number of occasions. It freaked me out; it made me think; and it totally fascinated me. It pushed me further away from feeling the need to fit in and be a “normal” human being in society, because I know that I’ve never been and never will be “normal” -THANK GOD. I know that this happened for a reason and there was, beyond a doubt, a greater power behind my experiences, because there were just too many weird co-incidences in the way things happened. It was one of those things I had to go through, that would make me stronger.
Throughout it all, despite thinking a few times that ‘I was really done for this time’, I still felt a strange inner peace in my core, and knew that I was being watched out for by angels. But I also knew I was going through one of those threshold experiences in life, where I had a choice about whether I wanted to leave this earth plane for now or stay on a bit longer. The first time I was thrashing about on the floor gasping for air, I knew that part of me wanted to leave. But then I thought about my reasons for being here, the people I love, and my unfulfilled missions in life, and I willed myself to stay on.
It was then that my throat opened up a little and I started breathing again (barely) a couple of minutes before the ambulance arrived.
So, I spent Father’s Day in hospital.
The bed across from me in the emergency ward was occupied by a new mother and her newborn baby (happy Father’s Day to them!) I was watching this new mother and the way she glowed and radiated love for the small infant in the crib beside her. Just watching them gave me strength. Later on that afternoon, after the new family went home, the bed was occupied by an old lady suffering from dementia. She was from a nursing home, and I heard the nurses say she didn’t have any family to visit her. I felt so sad for her. But she cracked me up with her delirious ramblings. She asked the nurses if I was having a baby. Bless her little socks. I felt blessed to witness both the beginning of new life and the ending of old life in the same bed across from me in the same day. It filled me with emotions.
Life is circular. It turns like a wheel. Before darkness there is light, and after darkness there is also light. Nothing stays the same, everything always changes. This is the nature of life. Light and dark are merely different polarities of the same thing. This is the way everything has always been and ever will be. Trying to control it and make life conform to our own erroneous ideas of immortality and ways of being is futile. Everything we hold dear and take for granted in modern society is an illusion. It’s all just a grand illusion of stuff we make up to try and make ourselves feel better. Only it doesn’t work. In kidding ourselves we create epidemics of confusion, depression, and anxiety as we disconnect from our Source. But if you stop and look at the truth of things you’ll realise that there is nothing in life to worry or stress about. Because it’s all false. And we can no more control what happens to us then we can stop the sun from shining.
So I’m now attempting to cut the bullshit from my life and just roll with it. I won’t conform to other people’s false ideals, and I won’t play all the stupid little games that society plays. If I have to be an outcast my whole life then so be it. Better interesting than boring. I’ve seen the truth and it can only come from looking within.
That feeling you get when you’ve been in hospital all night, you walk out in the very early hours of the morning when the birds start chirping their wake-up songs, and you realise that you’re going to live another day, is TOTALLY AWESOME. It’s an indescribable feeling.
P.S. I also think that those disposable sticky electrode pads that they stick all over you in hospital could be easily turned into pasties for someone’s burlesque performance ;D
Aah how did I get to be so creative…